Ranniversary: Phillip – The Unstoppable Smarm Machine

March 25, 2012 Categories: ALL ARTICLES, MUSIC, RANNIVERSARY, STUFF by 1 Comment

*Ranniversary: Why wait for a decade to celebrate those seminal moments in pop history?

It’s been 21 years and 5 months since this happened…

The Smash Hits Poll Winners Party was a thing of glory. A tea-time feast where you could feel vindicated as Sonia’s face flashed up on the screen as a Worst Pop Female nominee whilst the camera-man zoomed in on Spuggie from Byker Grove’s appalled reaction. Where the most anticipated award of the night was ‘Best Haircut’ and everyone hoped Dieter Brummer would make an appearance to collect it. Sigh.

Controlling these hormonal hi-jinks was Auntie Beeb’s favourite charm-bucket Phillip Schofield. With his clipped R.A.F tones and no nonsense attitude he was the perfect parental patsy, always a good sport willing to be gunged and ridiculed by Trevor & Simon in the name of light entertainment. Schofield was in his element marshalling the pop squadron around the stage and complimenting Cathy Dennis on her choice of jumpsuit but on this fateful night in 1991 Schofield came face to face with his worst fear….chaos in the form of Carter.

Not only did Carter USM have a rude name, they also had bad hair, pot bellies and an unhealthy disrespect for stage props. Unnerved by their very presence Pip stumbled through his introduction (so posh it sounded like he called them ‘Catarrh’) before the boys ambled on to treat the po-going kiddies to their ode to abuse After the Watershed finishing with them manhandling some polystyrene pumpkins and knocking over their amps.

Well, Phillip could not stand by and condone this kind of anarchy, so he decided to give them a jolly good ticking off in front of all the kids and their mums and dads at home, sarcastically smirking that they were ‘original’ and ‘boundary pushing’ in their set trashing. He was not prepared for Carter human missiles to launch themselves at him from the side of the stage and rugby tackle him to the ground ruining his lovely poufy shirted Prince Charming outfit in the process. Anyone for a This Morning re-match?

One Response to : Ranniversary: Phillip – The Unstoppable Smarm Machine

  1. eilish says:

    omg Dieter Brummer. I had almost forgotten..

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